Harmony

Help...I'm bias!

God made us with amazing minds which daily engage with untold quantities of information and stimuli.  These sources of information are filtered by perceptions we received in the process of being raised by adults in our lives.  These perceptions are biases of how we view the world and the information we see, hear and experience.

My father was a fan of the Dallas Cowboys in the 60's and 70's.  He was biased against the Redskins, Packers, Vikings and any other team who might compete against "God's team."  So I grew up cheering on the Cowboys and had many of the same perceptions my father did.  Later in life, I then began to choose my own path, but still greatly influenced by the biases of my parents.

The biases we have affect the way we communicate with others. 

If we grew up skeptical or our perception of life events brought about wall building to protect ourselves, we will interact with others from that viewpoint.  If we perceive a particular race or culture as a nuisance then our reactions towards them will be in that vein.

Examine your biases.  How does your bias affect your relationship with others?

The rest of the story!

I grew up listening to Paul Harvey and his "rest of the story."  His radio broadcast was always filled with one story about a person or situation with a startling revelation of the inside scoop.  There always is an inside scoop...the hidden reasons (perhaps even hidden from us at one level).

All of us have a "rest of the story."  It always bubbles up and shows itself.  God made us that way.  What goes on beneath the surface is demonstrated in our actions, thoughts and feelings.  Our bodies do the same.  Our choices of food, exercise (or lack of), sleep patterns and general health reveal themselves externally at some point.  I could go to the doctor and say to him "there is no need to take my blood pressure or weigh me...I'm doing fine."  The doc would never accept my own analysis.  He would say "let's check anyway."  And then the truth would surface.  He'd see the numbers and either tell me I am doing fine or that further analysis is necessary.  He might order blood work and other tests to reveal what the truth is so that a correct diagnosis and action plan may be prescribed.

When something comes bubbling to the surface in anther's life, good friends don't ignore the symptoms.  Healthy relationships care enough about the people involved to notice, ask and truly help in whatever way is needed.  And sometimes the path involves a deeper look.

The heart always is revealed in action.  Don't be afraid to care and ask.  Don't be so blinded by past history that you are unable to notice current disturbing realities.  Transparency is important for good health to take place.  What is your "rest of the story?"

How Ethical Are You?

The subject of my grad class this week is "tackling ethical challenges."  Analyzing ethical dilemmas requires asking some very important questions.  What are the implications of this decision?  Who will be affected and how?  How can objections be ethically overcome?  Questioning all facets of a decision often reveals consequences of unethical behavior.

In order to truly reveal the fine line between ethical and unethical behavior discuss the options with stakeholders.  See their viewpoint and it will provide insight from others perspective.  Don't just discuss the issues with "insiders".  They may be too blinded by the situation to know right from wrong.  "Group think" begins to take place after a while and people can easily miss the fine lines of distinction.

Here are some common examples of ethical violations:

• Mis-stating the financial health of the home or business.

• Withholding key pieces of information that might influence others response.

• Underbidding to win contracts, then going over budget and beyond the deadline for completion.

• Conflict of interest when decision-makers stand to personally benefit from their decision.

• Using company resources for personal use.

• Installing and using unlicensed software.

• Divulging confidential information, except in order to expose wrongdoing.

• Withholding non-confidential information that would benefit family members, customers, or stakeholders.

The line between ethical and unethical behavior is a fine line that is easy to cross.  What other areas do you see that may have been missed by this list?

I mislabeled the can!

"She's so untrustworthy."  "He's always manipulating people."  "She just wants to control everyone."  "He's vindictive and intimidating."

Ever hear those phrases spoken about others?  Ever had those words said about you?  Ever been a part of categorizing someone else in this way?

It is easy to get into those slanderous ruts.  We spend most of our time in some kind of interpersonal relationship and when we interact we perceive intentions.  Conflicts are natural, but often we label another person because they have a different "style" or "method" of dealing with life and situations.  We often see people through the lenseof how we see ourselves.  If they don't match our style then we frequently label them as difficult or obstinate. 

When someone communicates words, facial expressions, sighs, and gestures they are communicating from their frame of reference.  They have a message they desire to send.  When we hear and see their communication we hear it from our frame of reference...usually not theirs.  The other day I was sitting in my office and heard another staff person sigh heavily...my interpretation was that this person was frustrated, because I have memories of hearing heavy sighs and it being a prelude to an angry event.  My perception was incorrect.

So how do we change our interpretations?  There is no easy way as words, gestures, and facial expressions are tied to memories and so our natural instinct will be to interpret from our frame of reference.  However, we can change our response and second level interpretation by understanding the other persons frame of reference as they communicate.  For example, a husband and wife may have very different frames of reference as they communicate about finances.  The wife may have experienced being questioned on every dollar spent, so when he brings up a discussion in this arena he must choose words carefully to minimize the initial natural response to have a productive conversation.

Love and respect for the other person is the guiding principle.  Seeing people from God's point of view is the framework to interpret the communication of others.

I can't get my foot out of my mouth!

The class I am currently taking in grad school concerns communication strategies.  This weeks readings deal with avoiding communication conflict and so I will share some of the information with you.

Communication at all levels presents a myriad of challenges.  Dr. Andrew Edelman shares some of the most common pitfalls in which we find ourselves:

1.  Attacking the person rather than the problem.

2.  Over control - using your position to intimidate or push others around.

3.  Disrespecting cultural diversity.

4.  Re-escalation - rousing a person's anger or hurt feeling.

5.  Lack of awareness of others listening or watching the scene.

6.  Counterproductive language or phrases.

7.  Failure to allow someone to vent.

8.  Appearing disinterested or judgmental - rolling of the eyes.

Avoiding conflict in communication is impossible, but learning to minimize the frequency and severity is possible.  Treating others with respect is key.  I especially see this violated with interaction between parents and children.  Responding in love.  Being quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.  Scripture is filled with ways to communicate and resolve conflict in heavenly ways.  Take a look at Jesus...watch his walk...listen to him speak...witness his communication.

Battling Discouragement!

Do you ever get discouraged?  What brings it on?  Circumstances?  People?  Who or what shifts the discouragement into 4th gear? 

Discouragement comes in many forms and for many reasons.  It can come because of chemical imbalances in the brain and medicine usually is required to battle and overcome.  Attacks from others who want you to feel defeated are real at times and appropriate techniques are called on to battle the ploy.  At other times frustration happens when things don't go smoothly...the way we expected them to go!

We can become discouraged when our expectations of people or situations are crushed or shattered.  We have high hopes for success and then reality sinks in and our knuckles are dragging the floor.  In Christmas Vacation, Ellen is telling Clark that he has such high expectations for family gatherings that no one can live up to.  Sometimes we do that.

Nehemiah is facing many battles on many fronts as he tries to rebuild the walls.  At one point the "enemy" begins to spread horrible rumors about his work and the efforts of the people.  Nehemiah replies "Nothing like what you are saying is happening; you are just making it up in your head."  And then he prays to heaven "Now strengthen my hands."

Keeping proper perspective is a valuable tool in battling discouragement.  Not allowing the emotion of the moment to carry you away is key.  Others will try to derail you from the task at hand.  Others will try to deflect your words, actions and direction.  Know where you are going.  Be realistic.  Stay focused on where God wants you to be and let him strengthen you for the task at hand.

Be Very Aware!

Be very aware!  Stay awake!  Be alert!

As a season ticket holder of the SD Chargers, I have the privilege to watch and observe people as they respond to various stimuli.   Some  arrive and become stirred up by the action of 67,000 people raging for their team on the field.  As I sat watching, you could hear the language becoming worse from some people.  You could see tempers fly as some ranted against the refs.  At one point a man 5 seats away from me began banging on the chair in front of him as an expression of his frustration.  The man next to the empty chair was becoming more "charged up" at the situation going on behind him.  Let's just say that before half time words were exchanged and the perpetrator left. 

Be very aware!  Stay awake!  Be alert!

As a child of God I have the opportunity every day to build in my world the kingdom of God.  I'm not referring to my own church, but rather the kingship of God in my environment.  I have responsibility for myself, my wife, my children, my grandchildren, my aunts, uncles, cousins and so forth.  I also have relationship with my life group, church staff, and those in my neighborhood.  I have a place of influence.  I am a guardian of those God has placed into my life.

With this opportunity I am aware of the places that need careful watch.  In each persons life (as well as my own) there are vulnerable spots...places where the wall is not as secure and strong.  I must be aware of how each person may hurt themselves by their own choices.  I must watch for how they may be attacked by those who are cheering for my same team as well as outside enemies.

Nehemiah is a great example of being aware.  If you'll read the first 5 chapters you'll see how God led him to rebuild the walls of the city of Jerusalem.  In the process each family chose a section of the wall as their own personal task.  As discouragement rose and as the enemies plans became more intense, each family had to work with a weapon in hand in case the enemy struck.

Be very aware!  Stay awake!  Be alert!

Everyday...see the opportunities God has placed into your life to build his kingdom.  You are God's leader in that realm to build, encourage, spur, and protect. 

Ouch...I hurt myself!

Ever hit your thumb with a hammer?  Poke yourself in the eye?  Stab your own hand?  Cause your own car accident?

I've done so many self injury events...they are never fun and usually pretty embarrassing.  In the summer of 1977 I was doing construction work in Columbus, Ohio.  It had rained overnight...I was standing on a scaffold and trying to nail the overhead floor studs in place for a second floor hallway.  I had this brand new hammer...and was adjusting the 2x6 piece of wood into place and hammering it towards me.  The hammer slipped off the wet wood and the hammer smacked me in the forehead.  I saw stars for a few minutes.

In many other areas of our lives we often hurt ourselves.  We say the wrong words.  Express our disdain in our facial movements.  Speak before listening.  React when we should have kept our mouth zipped.  Speak and then the words are repeated to the one we were talking about.  Act in secret and the curtain is pulled back by another.

We usually are less hurt by others and more hurt by our own choices.  The ballplayer in the above photo fouled the pitch, it bounced up and hit him in his own face.  Ouch!  He hurt himself.

When we do those self-damaging things there are three simple words "I am sorry!"  Be willing to apologize.  Humble yourself.  Acknowledge wrong.  The opportunity to restore and recover with fewer scars may take place more quickly.  Hide...blame others...point the finger and you will do more damage than the original situation.

How have you hurt yourself?

Baby Steps!

"The best laid plans of mice and men..." I've heard that phrase for much of my life and have thought about its meaning today.  "The best laid plans..."  As a child I dreamed of what I wanted to be...a preacher.  I have been told that I would stand on the back porch and "preach" to the grass, trees, birds, bees and the dog...anyone or anything that would listen.

When I look back over my life, much of what has happened, choices I have made were not necessarily the plans of my life.  Most of us don't end up in where we are because of well laid out plans.  We have made single small choices that have led to much larger choices.

Does anyone plan to be an alcoholic?  Does anyone dream of kidnapping a young teen child?  Does anyone set long term plans to be divorced?  Does anyone scheme to be a terrible mother?  Does anyone go to first grade and tell their teacher "one day I"m going to be in jail!"  "The best laid plans..."

Slowly we glide into our lives...our choices...our situations.  We are compilations of little bitty teeny weeny choices.  One pound adds to another and so on and so on.

But it works for the good in our lives as well.  The spiritual journey with God is not about attending a single church service or reading the Bible through in a week.  It is a daily journey.  It is a moment by moment choice that leads us to be able to "distinguish good from evil."  It is by constant daily diligent practice.

Watch and observe your daily choices.  Be careful what you put into your mind...your heart...your soul.  Let the "best laid plans..." be made up of one step at a time towards God.  As Bob tried to practice in "What about Bob"...baby steps!

Random Thoughts!

God is faithful and will guide us through the various terrains on every occasion. 

People surprise me every day...for good and bad!

Good friends are to be cherished and shown appreciation often.

My wife is the jewel of God sent to me.

I am so very proud of my son Matt...his heart is so pure.

I am honored to serve God in my ministerial position.

I am honored to serve NCCC and work with this staff.

The battle ground for the spiritual health of the church cannot be taken lightly and must be protected at all expense.

Jesus is my King, Savior and Friend...a faithful High Priest.  He understands all things.

So glad I am saved by grace.

Greed is evil and can suck the life out of people.

Opportunity is at my fingertips everyday to bless others for God's glory.

God loves me and that is enough!

What are your random thoughts?