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Why did you marry your spouse?

Why did you marry your spouse?  What were the qualities and traits that made them rise above the others?  What made you devote so much time to want to be with them?  What made your heart skip or cause you to buy flowers or write notes?

In an interview yesterday on "Today", Elizabeth Edwards remarked about her ex husband, John Edwards, that he's not the man she married 32 years ago.  What made a  man turn from being so devoted to his wife, to become involved in an affair after such a long marriage?

Those are questions only he and his therapist can answer, but it is a question all married couples need to examine.  People do change and can grow apart.  They no longer put the time into the relationship to keep the fires burning.  They forget the reasons why they chose the love of their life.

So my encouragement to you is to make a list.  If you have kept old love notes, photos...go back and revisit the experience.  Let them remind you of your past to keep your present on target.  Satan is ever working behind the scenes to bring strife and conflict.  Only a life devoted to God will keep the eyes and heart strengthened.  God calls us all to remember.  Remember what God has done for us.  Remember the gift of God.  Remember our promise and commitment.  Remember our God who continues to watch after us through his Spirit.

Remember!

The keys to changing your spouse!

Life in Christ is about living for him in every situation of life.  He will place us in multiple relational moments to allow us to shine like stars and display his glory.  His life change in us will affect others, just as Jesus did when he walked the earth.  However, Jesus did not change for the better all the people he encountered...they had to desire to change.  He did create a stir in most people.  Some for good and some for bad.

In marriage one person changing has an effect on the marriage.  One person deciding to become more godly or emotionally healthy will create the same stir Jesus did when he encountered people.  Light shines in the darkness and has an effect.

So the key to marriage being more positive and beneficial is for both husband and wife to focus on their own godliness rather than on changing each other...changing the other person is impossible!  The real question to ask your marriage is "what qualities of God do I need enhanced in my life?"

The place to begin analyzing the answer is to see what negative qualities does this most intimate of relationships bring out in me?  If your marriage is a testing of your patience then that is a quality God wants to develop in you.  If your marriage is a testing of your kindness and respect for your spouse then that is the quality God wants to develop in you.

Turning to God to allow his magnifying glass to highlight your growth areas will allow more of God to shine for his glory.  He uses marriage, parenting and all close relationships to highlight the places where more of him is needed.  It is easy to fake it with others at a ball game, church or other social event.  The people who know us best provide the place for us to observe our weaknesses...our places to allow God to focus.  So what are your growth areas?

You are influencing someone today

Today, my wife and I are taking our oldest grandson to camp.  He's been to other camps before, but this summer is participating in our teen camp in Southern California.  It will be an exciting time for him as his faith in God is growing...a next step in his lifelong journey.

It struck me this morning that I have been influencing him his entire life.  That is a challenging thought especially since I can easily recall moments where the picture I have presented is not so positive.  He is almost 15 and observes almost everything.  He notices how his grandma and I hold hands, kiss and hug.  He notices how I talk to her and how she responds to me.  He notices how I treat others in church, at restaurants and in traffic (ouch)!

Today, you and I will influence many people.  They will see, hear, observe our actions.  It may be for a brief moment, but they are watching and being influenced.  It is a great responsibility.  It is a reminder that I do not live simply for myself.  I live as a influencing agent for my heavenly Father.

What an opportunity!  What a chance to let him shine through us!  May he guide our every word and action.  You are influencing someone today!

Top Reasons To Divorce

I was struck this morning by an article about the pains of divorce and so decided to write my own list.  God planned for marriages to last...to work their way through almost any crisis.  There are times when a marriage needs to be dissolved and this post does not mean to make light of those realities.  However, most divorced people will warn of the dark sides that they continually face.

1.  Watch your children lose their identity and spend the rest of their lives trying to figure the new one out.  No longer do they get to wake up with Mom and Dad in the same home, or see them together in the evening...they have 2 homes and live a life God never planned for them.

2.  Enjoy time in court and having your freedom taken away. Courts become involved...rarely a good thing!  For most men, a huge chunk of your take home pay goes to your ex to take care of your children.  You deserve to pay it, but your money and income are not your own any longer.  Courts decide visitation...how often you get to see your children...not at your desire of your children's desire.

3.  The grass will be greener!  The grass is rarely greener...just a different kind of grass and color.  Challenges still exist.

4.  Enjoy a whole new set of family gatherings.  His, mine and ours.  Divorce brings a whole new reality to family gatherings and life.  He has his children.  She has her children.  And then sometimes we now have our children.  Split loyalties and affections divide the heart and bring about other conflicts.

5.  Enjoy watching your children blame themselves.  They often blame themselves for their parents mood anyway, but now their parents are split...it must be their fault.  Again...another lifetime battle for them.

6.  Lose your friends and church.  Who gets the friends?  If both attended a church, one usually gets the church...the other must move on.  One gets some of the friends in their previous social circle, and one gets the others or has to make new friends.

7.  Have your holidays and children's weddings become tumultuous moments.  Rarely do former lovers spend holidays together with their small or grown children.  Now your children are married and they now have to choose not only between his parents and her parents...they now get his father, his mother, her father, her mother.  It can lead you to spend all holidays in Hawaii away from everyone.  Weddings are teeth grinding events as now everyone must pretend to get along for the sake of the event.  Fun!

8.  Live a lifetime of regrets.  You live a lifetime of wising things could have been different.  You watch your adult children struggle and wonder "if only."  I know all parents face this, but divorce adds a whole new element.

I am happily married in my 2nd marriage.  But the realities of divorce are real...for both of us.  We live with them often and even though we know divorce had to occur, the realities are ever present.  So work hard on your marriage...it is difficult work.  If you're not married, be very careful whom you choose to be your lifetime mate.

"I took your power!"

Often, Friday mornings are very relaxing times at the Armstrong house.  My wife and I sip coffee, catch up on the events of the week, plan, and have dueling laptops moments.  The only problem is we have one power cord at the house.  Rarely is it an issue, but this morning, my battery warning light was on so I "borrowed" the power cord to juice up my laptop.  I walk out of the room a little while later to see the power cord is attached to her laptop...her battery warning light had come on.  so I remarked to my wife..."so you took the power cord?"  She said, "yes...I took your power!"

Ahh...we both laughed at the multiple meanings and applications.  "I took your power."

How do people take your power?  Some do it unknowingly.  Some do it intentionally.  Some do it by mutual consent.  But we all take others power from time to time, and we allow others to take our power.

Parents struggle with this reality as do husbands and wives.  We step into the middle of a situation and rescue a child or spouse from growth experiences.  We don't want them to suffer and struggle...we perceive that we struggled as a child and don't want our children to suffer in the same manner.  By doing so we fail to realize that the struggle produces strength...gives power for their immediate life and future existence.

I've seen spouses keep their partner from truly growing up by doing the tough things for them...making them face the consequences of their choices.  The struggling spouse is affecting not only their own life but the life of their family, and so their partner takes over the power thus enabling growth. 

It is not easy to give someone back their own power.  It is easier to steal their power for their own good, and for your own peace of mind, but it robbing the struggler of a growth experience.  There are many times as a parent I wanted to go beat up the kid who was bullying my sons.  But that would not have helped my boys deal with the reality of the rest of their lives.  Power thieves are everywhere and will prevail unless we allow children, spouses, and friends to deal with their own dilemmas. You can be there to support, but you must allow them to grow up so that their power will not be taken.

Lessons learned from General McChrystal

General McChrystal's verbal gaffs hopefully will teach us all lessons on how to watch what we say to others.  But one of the specific areas where I witness this same mistake made is in the home...between husbands and wives and parents and children. 

Let me explain by asking a few questions.

1.  Do you ever publicly criticize or negatively make fun of your spouse to others in their presence of behind their back?

2.  Do you ever belittle your spouse in front of your children?

3.  Do you ever publicly criticize your children or negatively make fun of your children to others?

4.  Do you ever negatively discuss one of your children to your other children?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, I'm sure defenses immediately came up in your mind, but bottom line, is that you probably acted disrespectfully to whomever you were discussing.  Hearing through another source of things your said or ways you acted, is hard to take.  Whenever I hear things like that it makes my blood boil!  And I mean boil!

It is disrespectful.  There are proper ways to handle conflict.  It is to be handled between the 2 parties, and the only time you bring in a 3rd party is when you cannot manage the situation on your own.  General McChrystal spoke disrespectfully about others in front of his staff.  His staff could not handle the information and shared it with others. 

Learning to handle conflict in a godly manner is not easy.  It is easier to have overflow of the mouth with others.  That is why gossip and slander and BIG sins in God's mind. It takes much greater skill and maturity to handle conflict in healthy ways.

"Biden? Did you say: 'Bite me!'" General McChrystal word haunting!

General McChrystal you spoke too frankly, too openly about your personal viewpoints!  And now they will come to bite you!  As I heard the news reports this morning and then read the Rolling Stone article I had mixed emotions.  Part of me was saying "yeah, speak up and tell the truth" and the more righteous part of me was saying "never speak your real thoughts about your Commander and Chief."

Once again words can come back to bite you.  What you speak often gets out beyond the circle of who was in the room.  My Marriage and Family Therapist wife often reminds me that we often subconsciously speak and act out what we really feel in hope that the truth will come out.  Perhaps that is true of the General.  Perhaps he is so fed up with politics that he wants his job to be on the line...or perhaps this seasoned General just made a gaff!  Judge for yourself!

The bottom line is "be careful little mouth what you say!"  Words hurt and can bring destruction to relationships and peoples emotions.  Parents must be careful of what they say to their children.  I still recall words spoken to me in frustration by teachers and other trustworthy adults.  Husbands and wives must be careful what they say to each other...the words said in haste make deep scars.

The sad truth is that McChrystal will be remembered, not for his great accomplishments as a military man, but for his words spoken about his Commander and Chief. "Bite me!"  General...your words sure have!

Practical help for Fathers

Dad's want to be good fathers.  Very few really want to screw up their families, marriages or life.  All humans have a selfish side to them, and perhaps there are some real jerks out there, but most want to bless their immediate family.  So how can dads bless their families?

1.  Pray for your wife and children.  Men, you have many hours each day where you are away from your loved ones, and can engage in prayer time.  The prayers do not have to be long wordy thoughts.  Prayers can be as simple as "Father, give my wife a dose of encouragement today...help her to realize how special she is."  Father, give my son patience as he deals with his little brother and classmates in school."

2.  Before you walk in the door at the end of the day, pray for yourself to love, be patient, laugh and have fun with your family.  This prayer will guide you the rest of the evening.

3.  Listen!  Let the kids tell you about their day, what they are excited about.  Ask your wife about her day and maintain eye contact with her.  The eye contact will mean the world to her.

4.  Ask what you can do to help.  Ask your child what you can do for them that evening.  Ask your wife what you can do to help her.  You'll be surprised at the difference it will make.

5.  Tuck your children in bed and offer up a prayer with them and over them.

6.  Pray with your wife before going to sleep.  Let her hear you offering words to God and let her pray if she wishes.

7.  Plan a date night with your wife at least once a month.  This will do wonders for your marriage, but is also good for your children to see you loving their mother.

8.  Give your family affection.  Hugs, kisses, and zerbets will  demonstrate your care for them.

9.  Give them a smile whenever possible.  They receive enough frowns all day long from others.  Let them see your joy in them.

Will the "real" Randy please stand up!

To tell the Truth was an old black and white TV show where 2 liars and 1 truth-teller would answer questions by a group of celebrity panelists who tried to guess who was the truth-teller.  The final line was "will the real _______ please stand up!"

Watching the news stories and tape releases from phone calls made by former Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich "allegedly" selling the Senate seat of former Senator Obama.  Speaking one thing yet doing another. 

All of us have this problem.  We attempt to put on the best face in public.  We attempt to live the life of God yet Satan is always with us, tempting us and we fall prey to his schemes.  We all make mistakes, but there is a difference in making mistakes and living an unrepentant life.  Some know the evil they do and continue to pretend.  Some are held captive by sins yet refuse to acknowledge their reality.  Some pretend they have done no wrong when confronted with their own errors...perpetuating the lie!  Will the real ______ please stand up!

Sometimes I look inside my mind and heart and wonder...who am I really?  I honestly am a mixture of many sides desiring to look like God.  While I may fool others, I do not fool myself.  All of us know who we really are, unless you are a psychopath. 

The journey with God is not easy, but the place to begin is with honesty.  Honestly acknowledging that I am a sinner in need of grace every day...all day.  Honestly and humbly approaching people not from a place of superiority but equals, saved by the grace of God.

We must be careful labeling people as "spiritual."  People are able to put on great fronts...make the outside look wonderful...say the right things...do the right things, but inside are empty and void of God.  Jesus looked at the religious leaders of his day and declared them to be "whitewashed tombs," "full of dead men's bones," "full of hypocrisy and wickedness."  Dale Carnegie left the building!

Truth telling is important.  Living truthfully is vital.  Not lying to yourself is life-giving.  Will the real _______ please stand up!

Forgiveness with Boundaries

Forgiveness is a challenging topic and we often read the passages that speak to this without a larger frame of reference.  We know we are to forgive and struggle with releasing the burden we carry because of what someone else has done to us.  That is no easy task...releasing burdens.  But God calls on us to work at it.  Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, it means releasing the wrong of another person.

However, a holistic view of scripture reveals that forgiveness does not mean never receiving discipline.  We see many examples in scripture where God forgave, but gave consequences for the behavior....sometimes for the rest of their lives.  King David committed adultery with Bathsheba.  God forgave him before he even asked for forgiveness, but the long list of forever consequences had to make David wince.

Forgiveness carries consequences and presents the need for boundaries.  I may forgive someone for stealing money, but I'll never again let him have the purse strings.  I may forgive my child for recklessly wrecking my car, but will be hesitant to give the keys again.  I may forgive my spouse for using pornography, but will require accountability (by the way, my spouse does not have a problem with porn).  Forgiveness releases the burden given to you by the wrong brought on by the other person, but may require boundaries to protect the one who did wrong and the one who had been offended.

Healthy relationships have boundaries.  God has them with us.  He forgives, but disciplines those he loves.  We are called on to forgive, but may at times, bring discipline because we love the other person.